Everything I know I learned from TV
by Mya Uzo
Summary: TV has been there for all of Xander's life. It makes sense that he's picked up a thing or two from it over the years. Suggestions welcomed!
1. Chapter 1

I decided that i missed writing fanfiction. My laptop is on the fritz, so i shelled out money for a tablet. My grammar is going to be sucky until i figure out how to use spell and grammar check. I'm answering an interesting challenge. Also, the chapters are not consecutive. I will flip back and forth between the years, but I will clearly define what part of the show im basing stuff off of.

I do not own btvs or any show i am referencing.

Ni Hao, Kai-Lan

Xander, Buffy, and Willow were tracking a young chinese slayer. She lived in a more remote part of China than they were used to. Somewhere with less technology and absolutely no cell phone signal. So, Willow was using her magic to track her down. She wasn't wild, no nothing of the sort, but she was running from them and they weren't sure why.

Finally, they caught up with her. Buffy grabbed her and tried to explain what was going on, but the girl didn't understand. She didn't speak english.

She pulled away from Buffy and started screaming in chinese. Xander listened before panicking.

"Guys! she wasn't running from us; she is tracking a demon! It's going to attack someone soon!"

Xander replied in chinese that they would follow her and help. She took off again and they followed.

One messy and violent battle later they took down a nasty demon that ate babies. Xander grinned at the new slayer and she smiled back. The two began talking.

"She's not from around here, but she heard from another slayer what was going on. The other slayer couldn't stay for some reason, but she let Ling here now what's the what."

"Since when do you speak chinese?" Willow asked shocked.

"Ni Hao Kai-Lan." Xander grinned.

"That's a kid show!"

"Says the girl who can't speak chinese." Xander teased.

There was much more to it actually. Xander only started off with the show. Colors, numbers, and greetings only took his so far. Later, he moved on to books to get a better handle of the language. Once they started recruiting slayers his language skills really got a work out. The baby slayers were more than happy to help the man who kept them in ice cream and nice clothes.

Willow looked mildly annoyed at his teasing, but he just smirked at her.

One day, he would tell her that he learned more spanish from Telemundo than spanish class in high school.


	2. Chapter 2

I do not own BTVS or any show I am referencing

Extreme Couponing

"There just isn't enough money." Giles sighed.

"What about the council funds?" Buffy asked worriedly.

"I'm trying to get into them now, but there is a system. The paperwork needs to go through the proper channels. I would love to send one of you and scare the money out of those damn people, but that wouldn't do much good." He scowled.

Xander popped his head from around the corner.

"How much money do we have? What exactly do we need?" He asked.

"The girls are good on clothes for now, shockingly enough. We need food, cleaning supplies, toilet paper, and feminine hygiene products. Pretty much everything. As for how much we have?" Giles sighed. "Not nearly enough."

"I'm good at getting deals on clothes, but not that other stuff." Buffy frowned.

"Give me two girls, as many newspapers as you can get your hands on, scissors, a note pad, and three calculators."

"What?"

"Trust me. Who would get three dozen donuts for only five bucks every week?"

"You." Buffy said.

"Who managed to show up with tons of yummy snacks, the good brands too not knock offs?"

"You." Giles said

"Do you trust me?" He asked.

"Of course!"

"Then hand over the money and the things I asked for. Just let the Xan-man handle this."

Three hours later, one hundred coupons, and two truck fulls of groceries, household products, and personal care items later; Xander was declared a god of coupons. He had a small following of baby slayers every week wanting to learn The Way of the Coupon.

Oh yeah. He was so awesome, but he still had to give kudos to what started it all.

Thank you, Extreme Couponing.


	3. Chapter 3

I do not own BTVS or any show I reference

Mythbusters

Xander wanted to live! He wanted to live!

Dawn cut the wheel of the jeep to the right and just barely managed to avoid a tree. They were taking their almost new Jeep for a spin. Buffy had shotgun and Xander was in the backseat clinging to his seatbelt for dear life.

Everything was going great until Dawn swerved to avoid a squirrel. They ran off the road, but Dawn could'nt get the breaks to work. They were going too fast to jump out of the car. Well, Buffy could, but Dawn and Xander wouldn't be able to get out without some major pain.

"Break! Break!" Buffy screamed. She finally understood how Giles felt when she was driving.

"It's not working!" Dawn yelled back swerving to avoid another tree. Suddenly, they entered a clearing all of the trees were gone. Unfortunately, there was a small hill and a not so small river in their path now.

"Uh oh." Xander muttered.

"Break!"

"I said I can't!" Dawn screamed back.

"Jump it!" Xander shouted from the backseat.

"What?!" Both girls screeched.

"This isn't a movie!"

"Trust me! If we don't go fast enough we aren't going to make it over the river!"

"It's a hill not a ramp!" Buffy argued.

"Dawn, trust me hit the gas!"

By the time he managed to get the words out it was too late. Dawn had already made the decision to speed up. Suddenly they were flying through the air.

Xander held his breath.

Dawn gave a loud whoop of excitement. Jumping a river had been on her bucket list for years.

They crossed the unfriendly looking river succesfully. The jeep hit the ground roughly and spun in circles before stopping abruptly.

They made it they were safe. They all let out a sigh of relief. Buffy turned around in her seat and looked at Xander. He was clinging to his seatbelt for dear life still, but he had a wide grin on his face.

"How did you know that would work?" She asked. Dawn turned around too, eager for the answer.

"I saw it on Mythbusters."

The bruised arm he received was definitely worth the look on their faces.

AN: I am on a roll today! Keep the suggestions coming!


	4. Chapter 4

A little more serious. I have tons of requests. You will see one of them today. Yes, that means I will be posting more than one today! Woot!

I do not own btvs or any show I reference

The Joy of Painting

They found a new slayer. Actually, it was more like she found them. Her slayer dreams led the twelve year old to a safe place. To them.

She was...damaged. She didn't come from a good place with good people. She was wary, skittish, but she desperately wanted to trust them. Something just wouldn't let her.

Not after the way she had been treated for all of her life.

Rosa. That was her name.

No, not was. Is.

Her name IS Rosa.

Not whore.

No brat.

Not bitch.

Her name is Rosa.

Xander was worried about her. She was trying to get used to people, she was trying to find her center and calm herself, but she couldn't. She needed something; an outlet that wasn't fighting and slaying.

An idea hit Xander and with a grin he set out for the store.

An hour later and it was ready.

"Hey Rosa. I think I found something you would like." Rosa looked at Xander warily, but followed him into the next room.

There were two canvases set up. She blinked.

"Come on painting is fun." He put on his apron and motioned her to grab the other.

"Today we are going to paint a lake and a cabin. Don't worry about making mistakes. We can always turn those into happy birds or trees." He smiled.

Fifteen minutes in to the painting Xander looked over at Rosa and smiled at the peaceful expression on her face.

Xander sent a prayer to Bob Ross in thanks.


	5. Chapter 5

Something funny. Someone on my ffn requested this one.

I do not own btvs or any show I reference

Blue's Clues

Xander was on vacation. He was in LA at Angel's place. Why would he go there on vacation you ask? Duh, harassing Deadboy was fun! Unfortunately, his vacation was interrupted by a ghost. They were having problems communicating with it and finding out what it wanted. Psychics were no help for some reason. Thankfully, the Xan-man was there to help. An hour in to his stay he found out what the ghost wanted (a trinket that held sentimental value) and sent it on its way.

Angel was grudgingly impressed.

"How did you know what to do?" He asked.

Xander's eyes twinkled mischievously.

"To solve Spook's clues, I've gotta find a disturbance, you know? And that's my first,

clue. Then I put it in my notebook because they're Spook's clues." Angel nodded.

Cordelia got a strange look on her face before leaving the room. She returned quickly with a camera.

"Then I found another disturbance. That's my second clue I put that one and the third one in my notebook because they're Spook's clues"

Gunn and Wesley started laughing. Angel was still listening to Xander's explanation very intently.

"Then I sit down in my comfy chair to think, think, think! 'Cause when I use my mind,

and take a step at a time, I can do, anything."

"That I Want To Do!" Gunn and Wesley shouted the ending. Wesley started wheezing he was laughing so hard. Gunn wasn't doing much better. Cordelia got the camera ready and focused it at a confused Angel.

"You watch Blue's Clues enough and you pick up all sorts of things!" Xander grinned.

The stunned disbelief on Angel's face was priceless and would make a great postcard.

"Bow wow." Xander winked.


	6. Chapter 6

Wow. I am amazed. Thank you for the reviews and requests! I have a huge list to work with. This chapter assumes that sodium is also resistant to magic.

I do not own btvs or any show I reference

Bill Nye the Science Guy

There was a turning point in Xander's early slayerette career. There was a point of time when he would have either been pushed aside or made fray adjacent. When Xander was seventeen he killed a Big Bad that was giving Buffy problems. That moment solidified his place in the group and it was all thanks to tv.

The Scooby gang had been ambushed at the park. They had been drafted by the principal to chaperon a picnic for the elementary school kids. They had food, games, and squirt guns. It was pretty fun until an unknown demon attacked. Thankfully, the kids had enough sense to run and didn't need to be protected. Unfortunately, they had no idea what kind of demon it was, and Giles encyclopedia like brain wasn't coming up with any answers either.

It was sort of dumb and very ugly, but its skin was giving them chemical burns. Buffy was the only one that could touch it, but even then she had very painful blisters on her skin. Willow and Giles were using magic against it, but it was bouncing off with little effect.

Buffy threw a large rock at it, but it laughed and batted it away.

"This isn't looking good. I can't touch the guy and there isn't anything I can hit him with!" Buffy jumped out of the way of the charging demon.

"He's resistant to magic! Nothing we throw at him helps." Willow said.

Cogs began to turn in Xander's head. He had an idea. It was a long shot, but if he was right...

"I'll be back!" Xander ran off.

"Xander! Where are you going?!"

Xander came back a few moments gang was still holding up okay, but Buffy had a few more burns.

"Hey ugly!" Xander aimed two huge water guns at the Big Bad as it turned.

"Hasta la vista, baby!" He squirted the demon. It shrieked and tried to run away. Xander tossed a gun at Buffy and they chased the demon down. It began to melt and sort of fizzle. It gave one more pain-filled shriek before collapsing on the ground dead.

Giles and Willow ran up to them.

"Good Lord! What was in those water guns?" Giles asked.

"Water." Xander grinned.

"How did you know it would damage it? Did you know what kind of demon it was?" Maybe Xander was doing research on the side? Giles was impressed.

"Nah, I just figured it was made out of sodium because of the chemical burns and the resistance to magic. I know that sodium and water aren't a good mix." He grinned.

"You learned something in class!" Willow beamed.

"Actually, I learned that from Bill Nye."

Giles polished his glasses.


	7. Chapter 7

Hello everybody! Thank you for the reviews! I have such a huge list of requests. Keep em' coming! If you haven't noticed by know I'm picking any show from any decade. Doesn't matter if the show wasn't around during the btvs time period.

I do not own btvs or any show I reference

Bob the Builder

Xander gave himself a pat on the back for a job well done. He had finally finished the last of the repairs to the magic shop. Last night, some lesser big bad had attacked and knocked the door off its hinges.

"Can we fix it? Yes, we can." Xander chuckled to himself.

"Why thank you, Xander." Xander looked at Giles startled, hoping that he didn't hear.

"No problem G-man. You got something that needs fixin' and I'm the man for the job."

Xander grinned at the older gentleman and began putting his tools away.

"I admit, though, I have been rather curious about that for awhile." Giles began sweeping up debri and dust left over from the fight.

"About what?" Xander asked. He paused and looked up.

"Where on earth do you learn these sorts of things?"

"I guess it all started with Bob." Xander said thoughtlessly. He stiffened once he realized what he said.

"Bob?" Giles asked curiously.

"Well, yeah. Bob." Xander shifted uncomfortably.

"When did you meet Bob?" Giles stopped sweeping and looked at the younger man.

"I was a kid." Xander finished putting his tools away and avoided Giles' eyes. "He was a builder. The guy always had a 'can do' attitude." Xander paused for a moment, "Taught me about teamwork and stuff too. He was a really nice guy."

"Was? Oh dear, I'm sorry I didn't realize." Giles felt bad for overstepping his bounds. Obviously, this Bob fellow meant a lot to Xander and had passed away. Hopefully, peacefully.

"No, its okay you didn't know. Er, I got to go G-man. I'll see you and the girls later."

"Have a good day, Xander, and my condolences."

"Yeah okay." Xander muttered on his way out. A few blocks away from the magic shop he gave a huge sigh of relief.

"Thank god G-man doen't know much about cartoon shows. I would never live it down if he realized I was talking about Bob the Builder. Dignity and respect? Gone."

Especially, if Giles realized that the show had premiered two years ago.


	8. Chapter 8

I had a much darker idea for this chapter, but I decided against it.

I do not own btvs or any show I reference

Star Trek

Angel had lost his soul.

Again.

They seriously needed to find a better spell. Souled Angel was broody and annoying, but sans-soul Angelus was truly psychotic. Xander and Willow were in the area and had been sent to LA to help resoul the broody bastard.

Actually, first they needed to capture him. Spike, Gunn, and Wesley were fighting Angelus. Willow was getting the spell ready and Xander was watching the fight. Angelus was winning. Sure, they only needed to stall him and they were a bit banged up from the Big Bad they had fought earlier in that day, but it was still embarrassing to watch.

Spike managed to land a good solid punch and Angelus flew towards Xander. Unfortunately, Xander did not get out of the way in time and Angelus landed on top of him. Being the opportunistic fellow he was Angelus took the time to try and strangle Xander to death.

Xander panicked. All of his fighting skills abandoned him and his inner geek took over. Instead of trying to pull Angelus' hands off of his throat he reached up to Angelus'. He pressed a pressure point on the back of his neck and Angelus' went down like a sack of potatoes.

Xander rolled Angelus off of him and rubbed at his neck wincing in pain.

Everyone was silent.

"Did you just...?" Spike trailed off. Xander stood up.

"Yeah...Vulcan nerve pinch."

Even though his evil alter ego was on the receiving end of it Angel never lived it down.


	9. Chapter 9

Hey guys! I really wanted to do the Addams Family, but I need to chew over it for a few days. This is what I came up with.

I do not own btvs or any show or movie I reference

Addams Family Values

"Ahn, I don't see why you signed us up for the contest." Xander sighed after stepping on her feet for the thousandth time in a half an hour.

"All of the relationship books stated that dancing would be a good bonding experience for us." Anya explained.

"Yeah, but that doesn't mean we should enter a contest." He stressed.

Anya winced when he stepped on her toe again. They had already tried four different dances, but Xander wasn't taking to any of them. After five more minutes of Xander's horrible dancing she huffed and stepped away.

"There has to be one dance you can do! Not the snoopy dance either!"

"Well, there is one dance." Xander said after a moment of contemplation.

"Show me."

Two nights later, Xander and Anya were standing in the middle of a dance floor. Xander was wearing a three piece suit and Anya was wearing a black dress that managed to be both form fitting and flowy. The Addams Family Tango began playing and they proceeded to blow their audience's minds. Needless to say they won the contest.

The Sunnydale Syndrome took care of any awkward questions afterward.

AN: For those who can't quite remember the scence or have never seen it...Here is a link to the dance. If the link doesn't work look up 'Addams Family Values dance'.

watch?v=m83lDA-cJXk


	10. Chapter 10

Not a funny chapter.

I do not own BTVS or any show I reference

Doomsday Preppers

They had been infiltrated. A slayer mom had betrayed them to the enemy much to the shame of her , she took most of their weapons with her. The baby slayers were panicking. They did not have enough time to get new weapons before they were attacked.

Xander looked at the other upper scooby echelon and nodded.

"They can be trusted."

Buffy nodded and whistled shrilly. The girls settled down and focused on the original scoobys. They rounded the girls up and led them to the basement of the Watcher's Council headquarters. Xander pulled a key out of his pocket and stepped to a wall. The wall shimmered and transformed into a set of doors.

"Where does that go?" One of the girls asked awed.

"You'll see." Willow smiled secretively.

Xander opened the double doors and the girls gasped.

The room, no, the warehouse was huge. It contained row upon row of blades, stakes, swords, and crossbows. There were guns, tazers, and even a few rocket launchers. What they couldn't see were the other rooms full of food, toiletries, medical supplies, and magical ingredients.

The girls geared up eagerly.

"Why weren't we shown this before?" Abigail asked Xander. It was the thirteen year old's mother that had betrayed them.

"You never ever show an outsider your stockpile." He explained and ruffled her hair.

Abigail gave him a shaky smile, proud that he considered her one of them.

"Thank you."

AN: This show...yeah. I never quite understood why they showed the world their preps. I'm sure somewhere out there someone is tracking all of them down.


	11. Chapter 11

Thanks for the reviews!

I do not own btvs or any show I reference

Dog Whisperer

Xander and Oz had always clicked. After it came out that Oz was a werewolf their relationship remained pretty much the same. Wolfy or not they just got along really well.

One full moon, Buffy was out patrolling, Willow was studying for a test, and Giles was on Oz watch. Xander wasn't doing much of anything that night so he decided to visit G-man and Oz.

It was a good thing too because Oz had gotten loose. His cage was broken and he had Giles pressed against the wall.

"Xander run!"

Xander shot him a look that screamed 'shut up I got this'. He turned to Oz and grinned.

"Hey buddy." Xander sat down on the ground and leaned against the wall. It threw the werewolf off and he stopped growling at Giles and began to focus on Xander.

Xander began babbling about random things just as he had always done when he was watching Oz.

Oz approached Xander slowly, but Xander continued babbling away. He walked up to Xander and flopped down beside him. Xander scratched his furry friend's head.

"Good lord," Giles breathed, "how did you do that?" The older man began to clean his glasses.

"Oz isn't aggressive because he is a werewolf. He was aggressive because you made him that way. Your anxiety feeds his and he chose fight instead of flight. I always talk to Oz when he's wolfy he's used to it and it calmed him." Xander explained.

"Where did you learn that?" Giles asked impressed.

"Dog Whisperer."

The lens cracked.


	12. Chapter 12

For those who have read my fic Game Over...I will update soon.

I do not own BTVS or any show I reference

Hell's Kitchen

The baby slayers were panicking.

"Where is Andrew?!"

"I don't know!"

"He's sick!"

"What do you mean he's sick?! What are we supposed to do? Let Buffy cook?!"

Xander walked into the kitchen.

"Not if you want everybody to have severe diarrhea for a week. What's going on?" Xander asked.

"NO FOOD!" Someone wailed in distress.

"No food has been cooked. We are supposed to host Thanksgiving dinner." One of the more calm slayers explained.

"Nobody bothered to figure this out until now? Today is Thanksgiving." Xander raised an eyebrow.

Silence answered him.

"Okay ladies we have four hours to throw together a feast. Gather five slayers that can actually cook. The rest of you take care of the dining room."

"Yes sir!"

A few minutes later and Xander had his victims before him.

"We don't have enough time to get this done." One foolish slayer complained.

"Do you guys like high stress cooking shows?" He grinned evily.

-three hours later-

The five slayers were running back and forth getting the food and making the finishing touches. Xander was standing by the door barking orders.

"You call that a turkey?! I can still hear it gobbling! Put it back in the oven for fifteen more minutes."

"Yes sir!"

"Who prepped this salad? Where are the tomatoes?!"

"Sorry sir! I have them here sir!"

"You call this cranberry sauce?! Cranberry sauce isn't supposed to be actual sauce! Find the canned stuff! It will have to do."

"Yes sir! Sorry sir!"

Fourty five minutes later the table was set. The five chefs were exhausted and stressed the fuck out. Xander walked over to them and nodded.

"Good job girls. I'm proud of you."

The girls beamed at him, suddenly rejuvenated.

"Thank you sir."


	13. Chapter 13

So I found three different ways to spell 'the word', but I am picking my favorite.

South Park

The town of Sunnydale was cursed.

What else was new?

This curse, however, was much more gruesome than the usual. The residents would randomly turn inside out. It was a very painful way to die.

The Big Bad that was the cause of the curse was damn near indestructible. Nothing they threw at it harmed it. Magic bounced off of him and swords and other weaponry barely scratched it.

Giles and Willow had poured over books, trying to find a way to kill it. Just when they thought they found it everything went to shit. The book stated that the counter curse needed to be said in order to destroy the demon. Unfortunately, nobody knew what it was. The following page had been destroyed.

The Scooby Gang had been researching in the library when the demon attacked.

Giles and Willow were flipping through pages rapidly and shouting every counter curse they came across. Buffy and Xander were trying to hold the demon back when Xander was thrown into a bookshelf.

"Oh, Meecrob that hurt!" Xander groaned loudly.

The demon stopped suddenly and gave a horrendous wail before it collapsed dead.

Everyone stared at the demon in shock.

"How?" Giles breathed. Xander gaped.

It was ironic really. _The worst curse word_ _ever,_ according to South Park, turned out to be the counter curse they needed.

AN: I love that south park episode. Lol. _Meecrob_.


	14. Chapter 14

Another Xander and Oz fic! Woo!

Lassie

The gang was shunning Xander, but it was okay. Every once in a while they got into this whole 'Let's Protect Xander' schtick. It usually lasted about a week before they needed him or missed him and included him again. Xander usually took that week off to read comic books or veg out in front of the tv. Unfortunately, he did not have time to really enjoy his week off. He need to do class work he had been putting off for awhile. He walked back to the school to pick up his chemistry book when he ran into Oz.

A furry Oz.

Did they forget about Oz watch?

' _Honestly, what would they do without The Xanman to keep them in line?'_ He thought jokingly.

Oz growled and barked, but it didn't seem like he was going to attack Xander. There must be something wrong.

"Bark bark."

"Does the gang need me, boy?"

"Bark ."

"Is there something bad going on in the school somewhere? Well, besides the Hellmouth?"

"Bark. Bark bark."

Suddenly, it clicked.

"There's _what_ in the basement?"

Xander spent the next fifteen minutes convincing O'Toole to defuse the bomb and use his new found zombie status in more productive ways.

As a _very_ convincing actor in zombie b-movies in Los Angeles.

And just like that the Scooby Gang and Sunnydale was safe for another day thanks to Xander, Oz, and Lassie.


	15. Chapter 15

I do not own BTVS or any show/movie I reference

This took a dark turn, but I managed to make it a bit lighter toward the end.

Stephen King's IT

There is a reason why Xander is afraid of clowns. Before his dad turned into a raging alcoholic he used to have 'bonding sessions' with Xander. On one such bonding session, Xander's old man wanted to watch a movie.

Stephen King's IT

Needless to say Xander was traumatized for life. Who made a five year old watch a scary movie about a killer and quasi immortal clown? Xander's dad that's who.

When Xander grew older he began to notice things. Sunnydale was a lot like Derry. Adults stuck their head in the sand and no matter how many people went missing or killed by gangs on PCP, Sunnydale pretty much remained an anonymous town to the rest of the world.

It wasn't much of a surprise when Buffy came around. She merely confirmed that the supernatural did indeed exist.

This made Xander's fear much more plausible.

The supernatural was real so who is to say IT wasn't real?

Needless to say Xander memorized the Ritual of Chüd.

When everybody's nightmares became real Xander's solidified into something much more sinister. The Hellmouth and Xander's own belief in IT created the ancient monster.

The only problem was Xander knew that it wasn't the silver that hurt the monster. It was the belief that the silver would hurt it. He wouldn't be able to hurt IT.

This is why Xander convinced his friends that only sugary treats would hurt IT.

Willow and Giles didn't believe him. Not surprising really.

"Really guys?! Dr. Pepper killed that Korgoth demon last week. Why couldn't Twinkies kill this demon?"

Buffy accepted it easily enough which was probably why only her projectile snack foods managed to hurt and finally kill IT.

Xander had to bite his lip in order to keep from snickering when Giles wrote about the 'Killer Clown' and its weakness to sugary snack foods in his Watchers journal.

Xander would never ever tell.


	16. Chapter 16

This…just came to me.

I do not own any show or movie I reference

Austin Powers

Anya knocked on the front door.

"Xander let me in." Xander opened the door and ushered her in. He somehow slid up to her and wrapped his arm around her shoulders.

"Please, sit down. Let me get you something to drink." He said smoothly.

Anya felt strange.

Xander reached into the cabinet and pulled out a warm soda. He handed it to her.

"No ice?" She asked raising an eyebrow.

"No ice. I'm saving that for later. I expect things to get a little…hot." He smirked.

Anya had no idea what was going on with herself.

"Do I make you horny, baby?" Xander waggled his eyebrows up and down.

Anya threw the soda at the wall and pounced.

Two productive hours later Xander stared at his ceiling stunned. When he had imitated Austin Powers he had anticipated maybe a laugh or two.

Not a girlfriend.

AN: Not a tv show, but another movie.


	17. Chapter 17

I love HGTV. I had to add this in here.

I do not own btvs or any show I reference

Bath Crashers

The baby slayers had destroyed the bathroom next to Giles' room. A fight broke out and the toilet had been smashed to pieces, a mirror shattered, and the tub dented before Giles managed to break it apart. He had then called Xander and asked if he could fix it. In the meantime he would stay on a different floor.

Xander was more than annoyed at the slayerettes for trashing the bathroom. Poor Giles didn't deserve to switch rooms because of some misbehaving slayers.

Xander was going to fix it all right.

It took Xander three days.

Giles stared at his new en suite in shock. There was a beautiful tan tiled shower with a massage jet head, a waterfall sink and an iron clawfoot tub big enough to fit at least three people (there was a toilet too obviously). Xander had closed off the entrance from the hallway and built a new door connecting the luxurious bathroom to Giles' room.

"Dear lord."

"Don't worry about the baby slayers. They know this is off limits. It's their punishment for fighting and the others for sitting around and placing bets."

Giles polished his glasses absolutely speechless.

"How? Bob?" He managed after a few minutes.

"Nope. I picked this up a few years ago from a guy named Matt." Xander grinned. Bob the Builder couldn't get all of the credit after all.

AN: Bath Crashers host is Matt Muenster. I was just going to do generic HGTV, but I have another idea for Property Brothers.


	18. Chapter 18

Thank you...for the idea!

I do not own btvs or any show I reference

Stargate

Faith had a vamp problem. It didn't surprise Xander. All slayers seemed to have that one vampire that was out to kill them.

The whole gang, plus Angel, was on the way to Kakistos' hideout. Giles, Willow and Xander were supposed to take out the lackeys while Angel, Faith, and Buffy were fighting Kakistos.

Kakistos was a supervamp and had tossed Buffy and Faith around like rag dolls last time they fought. Xander didn't like this plan so he changed it before they snuck into the warehouse to confront Kakistos.

Xander pulled a grenade out of his pocket.

"Where did you get that?" Buffy asked alarmed.

Xander reached into his other pocket and pulled out three more grenades.

"Where did you get those?!"

He proceeded to pull the pins and throw them into the warehouse. He ran away and flopped down on the ground with his arms over his head.

When their survival instincts kicked in the gang followed as well. They had barely hit the ground before the grenades conveniently placed drums of flammable waste exploded as well killing more minions and further harming the ancient vamp. The whole warehouse was pretty rickety after the explosions and subsequently collapsed. A wide beam of wood impaled Kakistos in the chest and he dusted.

Xander turned around and watched the rest of the warehouse burn. The others were silent.

"Leftovers from soldier boy?" Buffy asked referring to the Halloween when they had all been transformed into their costumes.

"Something like that." Xander shrugged.

Colonel Jack O'Neill would be proud.


	19. Chapter 19

I finally have an idea for this show! Thanks for the reviews and the ideas guys.

I do not own btvs or any show I reference

Crocodile Hunter

"Here we have a Blondicus Slayericus, scourge of the undead and evil. Very dangerous creature." Xander whispered to Dawn.

"The Blondicus Slayericus is donning bright plummage in hopes of becoming the next

leader of the clan, the homecoming queen." he continued.

"This creature is very dangerous and hostile around this season," Xander paused dramatically, "I'm going to touch her hair."

Buffy roared when Xander knocked out one of her hair rollers.

"She's angry! She's angry!" Xander and Dawn ran away, but Buffy followed.

Xander and his young co-host locked themselves in her room. Buffy banged on the door.

"Open up so I can kill you!" She snarled.

"What do we do?" Dawn asked, terrified for her life.

"The Blondicus Slayericus can be easily distracted with tastier prey." Xander began searching the room and pulled out a chocolate bar.

"You're a genius." Dawn whispered.

Xander slid the chocolate bar under the door.

Buffy stopped pounding on the door and looked at the candy bar on the floor. She slowly reached down and picked it up. She eyed it before tearing off the wrapper and began eating. She walked away.

After a few minutes Dawn opened the door and poked her head out.

"She's gone." She gave a relieved sigh.

"Next season, we will once again observe the Blondicus Slayericus."

"What's the next season?" Dawn asked.

"Prom." Xander grinned.


	20. Chapter 20

Thanks for the reviews and the ideas.

I do not own btvs or any show I reference

Inuyasha

Xander learned many things from late night television. One of the most important things he learned was if you screamed the main protagonist's name they would rescue you.

"Buffy!" Buffy swooped in and saved him from a vamp.

"Buffy!" Buffy saved him from a demon.

"Buffy!" Buffy saved him from an angry Giles.

It worked without fail.

"Inuyasha!" Xander yelled as the Big Bad of the week took a swing at him.

"What?" Buffy paused, confused.

"Er, i meant, Buffy!"

Cue slayage of Big Bad and save-age of Xander.

Worked every time.


	21. Chapter 21

This is definitely a crack fic chapter.

I do not own BTVS or any show I reference.

Looney Tunes

Xander wasn't allowed to watch cartoons around Willow anymore after what happened with Veruca.

Honestly, Willow should be grateful! Cartoons had probably saved their lives or at least their human status.

See, it kind of went like this.

Oz had done the nasty with Veruca and Willow had found out. Willow had wanted to curse them, but she just could not do it. Unfortunately, Veruca had more control over the wolf than they had thought. She tried to hurt Willow, but Xander stepped in the way.

And…

Well…

"I'm going to hug her and love her forever and ever and ever!" The werewolf wheezed and tried to scrabble out of his arms, but could not for the life of her get away.

Shock and panic caused all of her supernatural strength to dissipate. Xander squeezed tighter and the werewolf squeaked in pain.

Luckily, Oz got Veruca away before she could infect Xander. She bolted once she was free.

"Come back! I just want to hug you and squeeze you into itty-bitty pieces!" Xander yelled after her.

Veruca fled Sunnydale and Xander was quite sure that was the last they would see of her.

Willow still dumped Oz and blocked the cartoon channels though.

AN: I am sorry, but it would not go away! I had to write this…


	22. Chapter 22

Dawn and Xander enrage Buffy…again.

NCIS

"What's Rule #9?" Xander asked crossing his arms.

"Never go anywhere without a knife." Dawn sighed.

"And why did you run into this trap?" Xander asked smirking.

"Because I believed Andrew when he said it was safe to run this way." Dawn scowled.

"What's Rule #3?" Xander raised an eyebrow.

"Don't believe what you're told. Double check." Dawn pouted.

"Finally, what's Rule #1?"

"Never screw over your partner." Dawn grumbled.

"Good, you're learning!" Xander sawed through the rope holding Dawn upside down.

"Next time, if you trip me and leave me to Buffy's mercy. I will enforce Rule #45."

"What's Rule #45?" Dawn asked. The roped snapped and she fell to the ground and groaned.

"Rule #45: Clean up your own messes. Next time I'll leave you hanging, Dawnster."


End file.
